Ask AFAnswers to your Parenting QuestionsSeptember/October 2007
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Time to bond
Q: Our families are very excited about our impending adoption and can’t wait to hold our new baby. But my husband and I would like a few days alone with our newborn before they meet him. How can I explain this?
A: Explain the bonding cycle now, before the baby arrives, so your parents will understand not just why you’ll want to be alone with the new baby for the first few days but also why you and your husband should be the ones to hold, feed, and soothe him for the first month or so. You might say something like, “Our baby is going to be disoriented when he first comes home, because every sound and smell will be different. He’ll need to learn that he can trust and rely on us, his parents, to provide food and comfort. Only when he feels safe and comfortable will we be able to expand his world to include all the other people who love him and who will be important in his life.”
—Mary Ann Curran
World Association for Children and Parents (WACAP), Seattle
Q: My five-year-old, adopted transracially as an infant, has developed a habit of asking me, loudly, “Are you my mommy?” when we’re out at the store or elsewhere in public. I always assure him that, yes, I am his mommy forever, but I wonder why he does this. Is it for the benefit of those listening?
A: At your son’s age, children begin to understand that there’s a world outside their family and their home, and often feel torn between entering this world and staying close to their parents. He may be expressing a form of separation anxiety that becomes acute in large stores or public places. Your son is expressing his love for you and how important you are to him, while at the same time he begins to explore the idea of separating from you. Continue to reassure him that you love him and will be his mom forever, and support his curiosity and independence.
Also, keep in mind that you may be more sensitive than he to others overhearing your conversation.
—Joni Mantell
Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center, Pennington, New Jersey
Q: While waiting for a meeting to start at the office, lighthearted banter about a colleague’s pregnancy led a co-worker to say, “Hey, if I get pregnant one more time, I’ll give the child up for adoption.” As a domestic adoptive dad, I found her comment hurtful. Should I respond, or let it go?
A:Deciding whether or not to speak up depends on how comfortable you are in the role of adoption educator. If you decide to correct your colleague’s misperceptions about birthparents, speak to her privately. Avoid bringing your hurt feelings into the conversation. Instead, explain that her comment suggested that the decision to place a child for adoption is casual or thoughtless, whereas, in fact, it’s an intensely difficult decision, one based on bravery and selflessness that few of us can imagine. You might point out that a similar casual joke about race, religion, or nationality would have raised eyebrows. The same kind of sensitivity should be afforded families, however they are formed.
—Adam Pertman
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, New York City
Q: I’ve helped raise my fiancée’s five-year-old daughter almost since birth. I plan to legally adopt her after the wedding, and we all consider me her father. Recently, after years without contact, the birthfather’s parents, who live in a nearby town, asked for an ongoing relationship. I would like to raise her as my own, without the distraction of these new grandparents (until our daughter asks, when, naturally, we would tell the truth). My fiancée argues that we should not keep our daughter from her biological relatives, even at her young age. What do you advise?
A:I advise against keeping any secrets from your daughter. You and your fiancée should get to know the birthfather’s parents. Once you are comfortable, the two of you should accompany your daughter on her initial visits. Although these are her birth relatives, at this point they are strangers to her. Follow her cues as to how often to see them. When you do move ahead with the legal adoption, hold a festive celebration, so that she knows how special your tie is to you and other members of the family.
—Vicki Peterson
Wide Horizons for Children, Waltham, Massachusetts
A:Children at this age always fare best with concrete information, so direct contact will be helpful. I wouldn’t worry about your relationship; although you have not yet adopted the girl, you are, in fact, her dad—you have raised her since she was an infant. A relationship with her grandparents will not diminish your role in her life. In fact, a child cannot have too many people in her life who love her. Just as your child can love multiple parents, she can love multiple grandparents.
—Kathleen Silber
co-author of Dear Birthmother and Children of Open Adoption
ONLINE: Read past answers from experts at adoptivefamilies.com/askaf.
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